


The Rambaldi Bathroom.

by steeleye



Series: It's Grim Up North. [14]
Category: Alias (TV), Bob the Builder, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Discworld
Genre: Action, Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-09-30 10:22:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10161077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steeleye/pseuds/steeleye
Summary: A Grim Up North story: “Well?” Buffy asked, “Can you fix it?” Sucking air noisily through his teeth, Bob scratched the back of his head just under his yellow hard-hat and said, “It’ll cost.” Sometimes even getting a new bathroom fitted can be grim.





	1. Chapter 1

The Rambaldi Bathroom.

By Steeleye.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Alias. I write these stories for fun not profit.

 **Crossover:** BtVS with Alias, with very minor xovers for the Discworld series of books and ‘Bob the Builder’.

 **Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar:** Written in glorious UK-English (the original and best) which is different to US-English.

 **Timeline:** This s is part of the, 'It's Grim Up North ' series of stories.

 **Words:** Five chapters of 3000+ words.

 **Warnings:** Remember to look both ways when crossing the road.

 **Summary:** A Grim Up North story: “Well?” Buffy asked, “Can you fix it?” Sucking air noisily through his teeth, Bob scratched the back of his head just under his yellow hard-hat and said, “It’ll cost.” Sometimes even getting a new bathroom fitted can be grim.

0=0=0=0

**Buffy’s office, Slayer Central, Saltburn-by-the-Sea, Cleveland, England.**

Standing to one side of her office, Buffy watched as Xander and his friend Bob (who was a builder) measured her executive bathroom.

“Well?” Buffy asked expectantly, “Can you fix it?”

Sucking air noisily through his teeth, Bob scratched the back of his head just under the yellow hard-hat that he never seemed to take off.

“It’ll cost,” he said after considering the problem for a moment or two.

“Cost?” Buffy replied, “Like how much?”

“Well,” Bob turned to look at the pile of open crates on the floor of Buffy’s office, “it’s all these non-standard parts, you see, and all this lead piping,” Bob picked up a length of the offending pipe, “it’ll all need replacing with PVC.”

“Uh-huh,” Buffy nodded her head as she wondered why Xander wasn’t jumping in with some help here.

“And then there’s this furnace,” Bob dropped the lead pipe on the floor, it made a loud *THUMP!* as it hit the carpet, “That’ll never do…” Bob glanced at Buffy, “…all the new regulations about emissions and such like…weeeell it’ll have to be replaced with an electric water heater.”

“Yeah, okay,” Buffy nodded her head in fear and confusion, she could deal with all the fiends of hell but plumbing sent a cold shiver down her spine.

“And these plans…” Bob picked up a large sheet of parchment and flicked it with his finger nails, “well, they’ll need translating for a start, looks like Medieval Latin to me and some of its in code…”

“Oh!” Buffy smiled hopefully, “I know someone who can translate that.”

“No need,” Bob replied helpfully, “I’ve got a man who can do that.”

“You have?” Xander spoke for the first time in several minutes.

“Yeah,” Bob continued to study the plans turning them around in his hands as he did so.

“Who?”

“Old Ernie.”

“Ernie?”

“Ernie Grimshaw.”

“Oh! That Ernie,” Xander said with a smile, “does those patios with the…”

“That’s him,” Bob confirmed.

“I didn’t know he knew Medieval Latin.”

“Famous for it,” Bob announced, “it’s all them crosswords he does.”

“Oh, I see,” Xander put away his measuring tape and hitched up his trousers, “and the code?”

“Worked at Bletchley Park for a while,” Bob tapped the side of his noise with a grimy finger, “say no more.”

“Old Ernie?” Xander gave his friend a surprised look, “Who’d have thought it.”

“Yep,” Bob looked at the plans hoping that by staring at them really hard he could get them to surrender their secrets, it didn’t work.

“Well, I never,” Xander sighed.

“Hey, guys!” Buffy called from the other side of the room where she’d sort of been forgotten about, “How much?”

“Well,” Bob scratched the back of his head again, “taking one thing with another, the new pipes, the water heater. Then we’ll need to take the old bathroom out and there’s the translating and code breaking to do, well…I couldn’t do it for less than four thousand maybe three and a half…if y’lucky.”

“Four thousand?” Buffy asked.

“Pounds,” Bob clarified, “and that’s assuming we don’t bump into any problems,” once again Bob sucked his teeth, “it’s these old holiday camp buildings, very jerry built y’know?”

“Four thousand pounds,” Buffy repeated slowly.

“I’m afraid so,” Bob nodded his head.

“Yeah, okay!” Buffy gave Bob one of her most dazzling smiles, “That’s fine…”

“It is?” Bob looked and sounded confused he was really expecting to have to haggle.

“Yeah,” Buffy nodded her head eagerly, “when can you start?”

“Well, erm,” Bob glanced at Xander, who shrugged his shoulders, “I could have one of my lads start taking the old bathroom out tomorrow morning.”

“Great!” Buffy grinned fit to burst, “I’ll see one of your ‘lads’, tomorrow morning then.”

“Right then,” Bob agreed a little overawed by Buffy’s enthusiasm to have her nice office reduced to a building site, “I’ll see you then...then.”

“Yeah,” Xander called as he followed Bob towards the door, “you better have someone take all your furniture out and put it in one of the spare offices.”

“Cool,” Buffy agreed as she closed the office door behind Xander, “not a problem.”

Alone once more, Buffy walked over to the pile of crates containing her new bathroom and smiled. It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with her old bathroom, not as such, but… But it was just a little ‘cold’, clinical, antiseptic even. Buffy was of the opinion that bathrooms should be ‘warm’ comfortable places that you could relax and feel at home in. Her old bathroom was all white tiles and shiny chrome, however efficient the heating system was it always felt ‘cold’ to her. Plus it brought back unpleasant memories of the washrooms at Slade prison where she’d spent a year locked up on totally bogus burglary charges.

The one good thing to come out of her stay at Slade Prison (apart from the learning to cook and sew and pick locks [and not in a ‘I’ll have that one please’ sense]) was that the government had given her compensation for being wrongfully imprisoned. One-hundred-and-twenty-five-thousand pounds worth of compensation, for the first time in her life, Buffy didn’t have to worry about whether she could afford that ‘special’ pair of boots every time she walked into a shoe shop. A few thousand pounds seemed a small price to pay for a nice and interesting new bathroom.

Picking up one of the brass fittings from out of its crate, Buffy turned the finely machined parts over in her hand. She had absolutely no idea what it was for, all the little labels were in Italian or Medieval Latin or something, it’d even confused Giles. This was why it had remained in the Magical Artefacts Store for over a year before anyone had even looked at it, let alone worked out what it was.

In fact it had been Buffy who’d found it, she’d been helping Giles sort through some stuff in the store (Buffy had found herself finding any excuse to be near Giles since her little trip back to World War Two Germany, which had been so disturbing in so many ways) when she’d come across the pile of crates. Ripping the top off one of them, she’d found it full of piping and bronze and brass valves and things that neither she nor Giles recognised.

Taking the crates outside, Buffy had emptied their contents onto the grass and laid everything out. It hadn’t been until Giles had found what could only have been a shower head that they’d decided that this must be some sort of Renaissance bathroom. Polishing his glasses and saying things like, ‘good grief’, Giles had wondered aloud why the bathroom had been placed in the magical store in the first place.

Within seconds, Buffy was on her mobile phone to Willow. Moments later the witch was standing next to her, after all she’d only been in the library checking on the recipe for chicken soup (she’d experienced some problems recently when her soup had turned into a magic potion; now there was a dinner party she’d not forget in a hurry). Going into a slight trace, Willow proclaimed the collection of pipes, fixtures and fitting free of any magical influences, although she did voice some minor concerns as to why a bathroom needed quite so many magic crystals. Reassured that the bathroom was safe; or at least probably safe or that if it did turn out to be the ‘evil bathroom from hell’ they could deal with it, Buffy packed everything back up and had it moved into her office.

0=0=0=0

**CIA, Field Office, Los Angeles, USA.**

Looking at the expectant faces turned towards him, Jack Bristow shuffled the papers lying on the table in front of him. Glancing at the tell-tails on the panel near his right hand he saw that the room was secure from both physical and electronic eavesdropping.

“Our sources in the UK have informed us that a new Rambaldi Artefact has come to light,” he said without preamble.

“What’s it this time,” Michael Vaughn sighed tiredly, “some sort of mind control machine?”

“No,” Jack looked around the table spearing each person sitting there with a searching look, “it appears to be several boxes of bathroom fitting.”

“Bathroom fittings!?” Chorused everyone else in the room.

“But dad…” Sydney began but was cut off by her father.

“It appears that a half dozen crates all marked with the Rambaldi symbol,” a picture flashed up on the flat screen monitors behind Jack’s head showing the ‘< O >’ symbol so beloved of Rambaldi stamped on the side of some wooden crates; “were bought by a group calling itself ‘The Slayer Organisation’ at a house clearance a couple of years ago.”

“The Slayer Organisation?” Marcus Dixon quieried.

“Yes,” Jack cast Dixon a penetrating look, “it seems to be an organisation run almost entirely by young women and has connections to the East Coast Mafia. They run the Slayer Adventure Training Centre near Saltburn-by-the-Sea on the coast of northern England.”

“Saltburn-by-the-Sea?” Sydney asked.

“Yes,” Jack turned towards his daughter and gave her an expressionless stare, “apparently there’s another Saltburn near by and obviously someone didn’t want the two mixed up.”

“Then why didn’t they call it by another name?” Sydney wanted to know.

“How should I know?” Jack shrugged, “This is Britain we’re talking about.”

“Oh-yeah,” everyone said and nodded their heads in agreement.

“So, what do the British security services say about this Slayer Organisation?” Vaughn wanted to know.

“They were unusually tight-lipped about them,” Jack rested his elbows on the table and steepled his fingers, “in fact when I mentioned that we might be running an operation against them the Brits got very defensive and tried to warn us off.”

“You think British Intelligence have been infiltrated by these Slayer people?” Sydney asked.

“It’s not out of the realms of possibility,” Jack agreed.

“But we’re still going through with the operation, right?” Vaughn asked.

“I don’t see why not,” Jack informed him, “riding rough-shod over other nation’s sovereignty has never stopped us before.”

“Coool,” Sydney nodded her head in agreement with her father; she’d not felt herself betrayed by her father for some time, so at the moment she’d go along with anything he said, even if that included performing unsanctioned operations in friendly countries.

“The Slayer Organisation is run by this woman,” Jack pressed a button on a remote control and a picture of a blonde woman appeared in place of the Rambaldi symbol. “This is Buffy Anne Summers, an American citizen and formally of Sunnydale, California…in fact a lot of the Slayer Organisation’s upper echelons appear to come from Sunnydale.”

“False identities?” Dixon queried.

“Maybe,” Jack agreed, his face broke into an unaccustomed smile, “there’s so many people claiming to have come from Sunnydale these days it would have had a population three or four times what the records claim.”

“Her second in command…and we suspect lover, is this man,” again the picture changed behind Jack’s head, “Dr Rupert Giles, although he doesn’t use his title. He gave up an important post at the prestigious British Museum to go to work as the Librarian at Sunnydale High School…”

“Where he met Buffy Summers?” Sydney asked giving all those around the table a significant look. “Are you sure this isn’t some kind of weird, perverted sex cult?”

“It would appear not,” Jack replied almost sadly, “although Ms Summers and Mr Giles live together at his house there have been no reports of sexual misconduct from the camp’s visitors.”

“Who else have we got, Dad?” Sydney wanted to know having already branded this Rupert Giles as a sexual deviant who preyed on young women.

“Dawn Summers, Buffy Summers’ younger sister, she works as a medical technician for the Cleveland Ambulance Service; she lives in a small house with her ‘girlfriend’, Faith Lehane…” Jack paused significantly before saying, “…another Librarian, this time at Middlesbrough University.”

“What’s with the Summer’s women and librarians?” Vaughn voiced the question that everyone else had been thinking.

Yet again the pictures behind Jack’s head changed.

“This is Willow Rosenberg a close friend of Buffy Summers, she also works at the Centre when she’s not at the local university. She lives with her ‘girlfriend’, Kennedy Scarpone, in a house near Middlesbrough…”

“Don’t any of these women have proper boyfriends?” Sydney wanted to know.

“Not Tony Scarpone’s daughter and heir to the Scarpone Mafia family fortune?” Gasped Vaughn.

“Correct!” Jack confirmed.

“And the British authorities let these people have contact with all these teenage girls?” Dixon gestured to the typed sheets of paper he’d been reading through quickly.

“They appear to encourage it,” Jack pointed out, “some of these girls come from countries that the British Government doesn’t ‘approve’ of and yet the security services appear to facilitate these girl’s entry into the country.”

“The influence these Slayer people wield must go right up to the highest levels of the British government,” Sydney pointed out, “and across party lines by the looks of it.”

“Indeed,” Jack agreed, “so you can see it’s vitally important that we retrieve the Rambaldi Artefact as soon as possible.”

“So how are we going to do this?” Sydney wanted to know.

“Sydney and Vaughn on point, Dixon as back up, Marshall will supply you with your Op-tech later,” Jack looked at Marshall just as the little man opened his mouth to speak, “I said later Marshall.”

“What security do these people have,” Dixon enquired.

“As far as we can tell,” Jack sounded slightly puzzle, “nothing more than a high chain link fence and an admittedly comprehensive system of CCTV cameras…”

“You think there might be other more covert forms of security?” Vaughn asked.

“Possibly,” Jack admitted, “whatever, just take no chances and remember that we’re doing this without the permission of the British authorities so it’d be best if you don’t get caught.”

“Weapons?” This was from Sydney.

“I don’t expect any trouble, after all the place is only inhabited by teenage girls most of the time. It’s not as if they’re going to be much of a threat.” Everyone laughed their agreement, “Tranq-guns only on this mission and there’ll be no extraction team on call so I repeat, be careful.” Jack handed around some plain manila folders, “These contain the full mission outline, wheels up in two hours.”

With these terse words the meeting broke up.

0=0=0=0

**Giles’ kitchen, his house, near Saltburn-by-the-Sea.**

“This is excellent curry Buffy,” Giles said enthusiastically between mouthfuls of the hot, spicy dish, “what type is it?”

“Meat,” Buffy said slightly guiltily as she joined Giles at the kitchen table, she’d learnt to cook in prison and still tended to use the ingredients she was familiar with; deciding to change the subject she asked, “Anything exciting in the wacky world of watchers today?”

“Oh!” Giles dabbed at his mouth with a serviette and took a sip of cold beer, “I did a little research on that bathroom of yours.”

“Research?” Buffy asked before tucking into her own plate of curry, “You mean you went down to Ikea and looked in their catalogue?”

“Good lord no,” Giles laughed, “I don’t have the time for that sort of thing, no I found a reference to that odd symbol in one of my books…”

“Good old Giles and his books,” Buffy drank some iced water, being a recovering alcoholic she wasn’t allowed beer.

“Indeed,” Giles continued as he ate, “it seems it was built by one Milo Rambaldi some time in the late fifteenth century.”

“Did they even have bathrooms then?” Buffy demanded.

“Like you, I was surprised,” Giles explained, “but it seems this Rambaldi chap was a bit of a Leonardo de Vinci type character, always inventing things that were way ahead of their time, got him into serious trouble with the Catholic Church.”

“Doesn’t everything?” Buffy commented, “Find out anything else?”

“No, not really,” Giles sighed sadly, “he doesn’t appear to have been that important although the Nazis were interested in his works for a time.”

“The Nazis!?” Buffy said with a gulp that sent a lump of curried ‘meat’ down her throat un-chewed, “That’s like never of the good.”

“Oh,” Giles glanced at Buffy and imagined that the beads of perspiration on her forehead were due to the hot curry, “As you know the Nazi’s were experimenting with the dark arts for most of their time in power, but I expect it’s nothing important.”

“Good,” Buffy had lost her appetite at the mention of the Nazis; her little trip back to Nazi Germany had left her mentally scared; she’d discovered the real reason behind the concentration camps, however, she was getting over it now.

“Oh yes,” Giles smiled as he remembered something else, “have you ever heard of something called, ‘Teotwawki’?” Giles glanced up at Buffy to see her grinning at him, “What?” he asked defensively, “What's so funny?”

“Tea-up-wanky?” Buffy giggled.

“No,” Giles frowned, “Te-ot-waw-ki, it could be some sort of ancient god or a demon perhaps?”

“Can’t say I’ve heard the name before,” Buffy smiled, “and I’m sure I’d remember if I had, why?”

“Well, when I was researching that Rambaldi fellow,” Giles chased the last morsel of curry around his plate with his spoon, “I found some odd references, so I followed those leads up and found this ‘Teotwawki’.”

“So, what’s so important about Tea-up-wanky?” Buffy asked as she collected up her and Giles’ plates and cutlery before putting them in the dish-washer.

“Teotwawki,” Giles repeated pointedly, “I don’t know to be honest, but one thing's for sure; he, she or it is coming soon.”

“Well I’m sure we’ll be able to deal with whatever it is when it gets here,” Buffy replied confidently, “Coffee?”

“Please,” Giles smiled as he got up, “here, let me do the washing up.”

“Yeah, sure, why not?” Buffy watched as Giles switched on the dishwasher. 

“You’re too good to me Giles,” Buffy told him (she resisted the temptation to throw her arms around Giles’ neck and kiss him).

“The least I can do,” Giles replied, unaware the effect his proximity was having on his slayer, “especially after the way you cook for me.”

“Hey,” Buffy so wanted to hug her watcher right now but again she held herself back, “you let me stay in your nice house rent free.”

Giles had offered Buffy his spare bedroom when her chalet on the holiday camp had been rendered un-inhabitable by a plumbing disaster. After her trip to 1945 Germany where she’d met Giles’ father, Buffy had realised that she was in love with her watcher. Knowing that she could never let her feelings for him show she continued to torture herself by living under his roof.

“We better pass the word around to keep a look out for this Tea-up-wanky guy,” Buffy persisted in her mispronunciation as she poured two cups of fresh coffee.

“Yes I suppose we better,” Giles agreed as he took his coffee from Buffy’s hand, “but I expect its nothing.”

0=0=0=0


	2. Chapter 2

2.

**Slayer Central, Monday Evening.**

Sitting in the reception lobby, Maddy and Gillian flicked through the magazines that they’d found behind the receptionist’s desk. Tonight the identical twins were ‘Duty Slayer’, responsible for the safety of Slayer Central itself and for any emergency calls that might come in. It wasn’t long after ten o’clock and they were already bored, they’d read most of the magazines before and there was no TV; they’d not even been allowed to bring their iPods with them as Miss Summers ‘didn’t approve’. They’d not even been allowed to bring their own mobile phones, they’d been issued with official Slayer Organisation ones instead. While these phones had all the important SO telephone numbers in their memories, the girls couldn’t use them to call their friends down in London.

The reason the two girls were at Slayer Central was to go on a combat refresher course and learn a little about ‘illegal entry’. While the combat side of the course had been fun the illegal entry part had been a bit of a washout. Both girls’ had learnt more than they really needed to know about ‘illegal entry’ (in its many and varied forms) from ‘Charlie’, a friend of one of their brothers. The last time the girls had been to Slayer Central was over a year ago when they’d been innocent newbies of fifteen. Now they were experienced slayers of seventeen and so much more grown up. Their crush on Miss Summers was ‘so’ a thing of the past and totally a schoolgirl crush. Now they had proper boyfriends and girlfriends; Gillian had elected to stay gay while Maddy had turned straight after Willow had discovered the counter spell to the mysterious, ‘everyone’s gay now’ spell.

“Right,” Maddy, the straight twin, sighed heavily and threw the magazine she’d been reading onto the coffee table in front of her, “its official…I’m bored!”

“Take a walk around the perimeter then,” Gillian, the gay twin, suggested, she’d found a copy of Cosmo she’d not read and wasn’t bored, at least not yet.

Sitting on the edge of her chair, Maddy considered her options; she could take a walk or she could stay here and annoy her sister until they had a fight and smashed up the lobby. Smashing up reception would get them into trouble with Miss Summers and Mr Giles would give them one of his stern, disapproving looks.

“I’ll go for a walk,” Maddy stood up and headed for the door.

“You got everything?” Gillian looked up from her magazine.

“Hold on,” Maddy checked her pockets; stake, mobile phone, holy water and combat knife, “yeah!”

“Okay,” Gillian called, “you be careful out there and I’ll 'ave the tea on by the time you get back.”

“Cheers,” Maddy called back as she put on her water-proof jacket, “like hey, be careful?” the girl laughed, “This is Slayer Central who’s gonna be stupid enough to break in 'ere?”

“All the same,” Gillian cautioned, “there’s always one dickhead.”

“Yeah, right,” chuckling at her sister’s concerns, Maddy pushed open the door and stepped out into the night.

0=0=0=0

“Comms check, Mountaineer,” Dixon’s voice came loud and clear through the ear bug in Sydney’s ear.

“Copy, loud and clear,” Sydney replied, she looked at the dark shape that lay in the grass beside her, “see anything?”

“All clear,” Vaughn lowered the night-scope from his eye and turned his head slightly to watch Sydney for a moment, “no movement and only a few lights on.”

“This Summers woman must be a stickler for ‘early to bed and early to rise’,” Sydney smiled; Buffy Summers maybe a suspicious character and probably involved in all sorts of criminal activities (she’d recently spent a year in prison), but she made sure all the girl’s at the camp were in by ten and lights out was at ten-thirty.

They’d spent the day watching the camp and its comings and going. The girls started the day with a run along the beach, then they disappeared indoors, probably into classrooms. After the midday meal the girls were out again playing sports or going over the very tough looking assault course. Watching the girls, Sydney had wondered what Summers was training them to do, from what she’d seen of the training these teenage girls were going through it looked very military.

“Okay, Mountaineer, Shotgun,” Dixon’s voice sounded in Sydney’s ear bug once again, “we’ve got one figure moving towards the main gate, otherwise everyone is inside, it’s clear to move.”

“Copy that,” Sydney replied before turning to Vaughn, “let’s get this over with.”

The plan was simplicity itself; they’d cut their way through the perimeter fence and locate the hut where they knew the Rambaldi Artefact was being hidden. Once they found it they’d take it outside where Dixon would be waiting in the van. They’d load up and be heading for the gate before anyone knew what was happening, the entire mission shouldn’t take more than fifteen minutes.

Taking a hand-held device from his pack, Vaughn used it to cut a hole in the fence, the small blue flame easily defeating the heavy wire of the fence. Earlier they’d checked the fence for any electronic circuitry that might warn that the fence had been compromised, there’d found none. Having cut a hole big enough to climb through, Vaughn waited a moment for the wire to cool a little before leading the way into the camp.

0=0=0=0

Sitting in the receptionist’s chair, Gillian frowned at the little magical tell-tale that was telling her that the perimeter had been breached. After Miss Summers had be arrested and thrown into prison, there’d been a major upgrade of the physical and magical defences at Slayer Central. However, nothing was perfect and the little flashing light could be telling her that a rabbit was trying to burrow under the fence.

Turning to the computer monitor, Gillian clicked on the icon that would take her to the security program. Choosing the perimeter fence off the menu, she checked where the ‘breach’ was supposed to be. Having found the correct sector she turned the nearest CCTV cameras onto the spot. Staring at the screen, Gillian screwed up her face in indecision. There was nothing there but there did seem to be something odd with the shape of that part of the fence. Picking up her phone, Gillian called her sister.

0=0=0=0

“Hi, wot d’ya want?” Maddy replied to her sister’s call; she was at the main gate and had just finished checking that it was properly locked.

“Go to sector twelve of the perimeter fence, we might 'ave a breach,” Gillian’s voice came clearly to Maddy over the phone.

“More like bunnies shagging,” Maddy giggled, “and where the frigging 'ell is ‘sector twelve’?”

“Behind the gym,” Gillian sighed at her sister.

“Okay, I’m on my way,” Maddy called before she rang off.

0=0=0=0

Keeping low, Sydney and Vaughn ran through the knee high grass until they came to a large building. So far there’d been no indication that they’d been spotted. These slayer people were making it easy for them, there were no guards and no floodlights. The CCTV cameras all appeared to be facing outwards.

“This must be the gym,” Sydney announced as she consulted the map she held in her head.

“So,” Vaughn moved cautiously to the corner of the gym and looked at a building further into the complex, “that must be the admin block.”

The admin block was where the Rambaldi Artefact was being hidden. Like two hi-tech, black clad wraiths, Sydney and Vaughn ran from shadow to shadow towards their target.

0=0=0=0

“Gill,” Maddy sounded worried, she’d got to the section of fence behind the gym and found a large hole in the fence, “so not bunnies shagging.”

“Wot’s up?” Gillian’s voice sounded urgently in Maddy’s ear.

“Big 'ole cut in the fence,” Maddy reported, “and wot looks like footprints in the grass leading towards the gym.”

“Wot do y'wanna do?” Gillian asked her sister.

“I’m gonna to check it out of course!” Maddy replied as if her sister was simple or something, “don’t call anyone just yet this could still be a stupid prank or something.”

“Okay,” Gillian replied uncertainly, of the twins she was the more cautious of the two…meaning she’d wait a couple of seconds before jumping blindly into a dangerous situation. “But keep me informed okay?”

“Sure thing sis,” once again Maddy signed off.

0=0=0=0

Sitting by herself in the reception lobby, Gillian studied the monitors as her hand hovered near the button that would activate the Active Counter Measures. She didn’t want to start anything until she was sure there was something worthwhile to start. Squinting at the monitors, her quick slayer eyes were drawn to movement. Although she’d been quick, when she looked at the monitor there was nothing there now. Rapidly she typed in some commands to the system which would make the cameras track any movement over and above the level of grass moving in the wind. Sure enough after the cameras had stopped swivelling on their mounts, Gillian could see her sister behind the gym. However everything else looked still and quiet.

“Gill?” Maddy’s voice drifted up from her phone.

“Go Mad,” Gillian pressed the mobile to her ear.

“There’s someone on camp who shouldn’t be 'ere,” Maddy informed her sister, “they must've 'idden 'ere for a couple of minutes before movin' on.”

“Okay, what you want to do? Shall I call…” Gillian’s eye was drawn to a monitor, she saw two black clad figures move between the cars in the car park, they were heading right towards her, “Crap!” Gillian swore as her hand drifted towards the Active Counter Measures button, she didn’t really want to press it because all hell would break loose (literally) if she did.

“What’s up?” Maddy asked urgently, she could feel her sister’s concern.

“Okay,” Gillian adjusted the cameras so they’d follow the intruders automatically, “I’ve got two ‘Milktray’ types sneaking towards reception…”

“Be there inna sec!” Maddy called as she started to run towards the admin block.

0=0=0=0

“Damn-it!” Vaughn cursed as he saw the camera’s turn towards him, “Dixon they’re on to us, looks like this is going to get messy.”

“We’re going in!” Sydney informed their back up.

“Copy that!” Dixon replied, “I’ll get to you in five.”

Running towards the door, Sydney pulled her Tranq-gun from its holster just before she hit the door, hard! Crashing through the door, it hadn’t even been locked; she saw a young girl standing behind a desk on the other side of the lobby as she looked at Sydney in wide eyed surprise. Centring the laser dot on the middle of the girl’s chest Sydney pulled the trigger of her gun.

0=0=0=0

Looking up at the sound of the door crashing open, Gillian hesitated when she saw the two black-clad humans burst into the lobby; she knew they were human because she wasn’t getting any ‘monster-vibe’ off them. If they’d been vampires or demons she wouldn’t have hesitated, but because they were human she didn’t press the button to start the Active Counter Measures. At least not until the first tranquilliser dart hit her.

*PHUT!* Went the gun in Sydney’s hand and she saw the dart hit home just below where the red dot cast by her laser sight touched the girl; much to Sydney’s surprise the girl didn’t go down straight away.

Swaying slightly as if in a stiff breeze, Gillian looked down to see the little red tipped dart sticking into her left boob.

“Ow!” She said as she started to feel woozy and faint, “You fuckin' bastards!”

Frowning, Sydney fired again, still the girl didn’t go down, she fired once more and this time the girl slumped across the desk before sliding to the floor.

“What the hell?” Sydney looked from her gun to Vaughn, the tranq-darts normally put people down in a second or two; in all the years she’d used them she’d never had to fire more than once at an individual target.

0=0=0=0

Feeling the second dart hit her, Gillian felt herself start to slip away, there was something bad going on and she really needed to press that big red button under its plastic cover. Her arm moved slowly towards the button as the third dart hit her. Sensing herself fall forward she reached out. Hitting the desk top her hand fumbled with the cover, forcing herself to stay awake for just a couple of seconds longer, Gillian got her fingers under the cover and over the button. Her last conscious thought as she pressed down on the button and darkness finally over took her was that someone was in for a very nasty surprise.

With a slight smile on her face, Gillian slipped from the desk top and onto the floor where she came to rest under the reception desk. As she lay blissfully unaware of all that was going on around her, long dormant spells started to draw magical energy from the magic capacitors buried deep under the old holiday camp. The Active Counter Measures were coming on line and very soon hell would break loose in Slayer Central.

But, as they say; hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, or in this case a very angry sister who’d just felt her twin ‘slip away’ as she sprinted towards the admin block. In this case hell would come in the shape of a very angry, curvaceous, seventeen year old girl; nothing that two experienced CIA agents couldn’t handle…right?

0=0=0=0

**Giles’ House.**

Switching off the TV after the late night news, Giles was just thinking about going to bed and Buffy was thinking about going for a quick patrol; when the eyes of the portrait over the fireplace started to flash and a buzzer began to sound.

“Do you know how tacky that looks?” Giles signed as he watched the painting’s eyes flash redly at him, “I don’t know why I let you talk me into having it.”

“Lighten up Giles,” Buffy told her watcher as she headed for the desk and the computer that rested on its surface, “It was either that or the ‘batphone’.”

“Oh yes,” Giles replied dryly as he joined Buffy at the computer, “how could I forget?”

Fingers flying across the keyboard, Buffy waited for her query to be answered, she didn’t have to wait long.

“Security breach at Slayer Central,” Buffy informed Giles tersely, “someone’s in the admin block and the active counter measures have been activated.”

“Right!” Giles started to move towards the door with Buffy following close behind him, “we better get over there now!”

“I’ll call…” Buffy looked at her mobile phone; who was she going to call?

Dawn was on night shift, Faith was away in London, Kennedy was somewhere, Buffy didn’t really know where (and to be honest she didn’t ask because she was more than a little frightened of what the answer might be), that left Willow.

“I’ll call Willow,” Buffy hit the speed dial for Willow’s number.

“I’ll call the duty slayers,” Giles pulled out his mobile and hit the number that would connect him to the two girls on duty at the camp; listening to the phone ring and ring, Giles finally gave up.

“No answer?” Buffy asked worriedly.

“Not a sound,” Giles confirmed.

“Willow’s on her way,” Buffy added, Willow had set up the magical side of the camp’s defences, they’d need her to deactivate everything.

“Lets be on our way, then,” Giles hurried towards the garage were his car waited.

“To the Watchermobile!” Buffy cried only to get a very pitying look from Giles.

0=0=0=0

**Slayer Central.**

Hearing her phone start to buzz urgently, Maddy had just enough time to not crash through the doors to reception.

“Damn-it!” she cried in frustration as she looked at the phone, it told her that the active counter measures had been initiated.

Although the ACM’s were basically illusions they were very good illusions and would terrify anyone who didn’t know what they were. Whoever was in the admin block would soon be going on the ‘ghost train ride’ of their life. It was something Willow had cooked up based on her own experiences in a frat house one Halloween. If the intruders were lucky they might retain a shred of sanity if someone were to get to them in time. Standing at the door to the admin block, Maddy considered going in and getting the intruders out before the ACM’s really kicked in. But, they’d done something to Gillian and made her fade away from her consciousness. They could wait, Maddy needed to check on her sister.

0=0=0=0

Moving stealthily down a long corridor, Vaughn and Sydney got the distinct impression that someone was watching them. Looking up and down the corridor, Sydney could see no obvious CCTV cameras, in fact she’d not detected any surveillance equipment when she’d scanned their route. But still the hairs at the back of her neck stood up on end as she clutched her tranq-gun and wished she’d brought a real weapon.

“Hey!” Vaughn froze in front of her, “Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“A sort of groan,” Vaughn turned his head to look at his partner.

“No,” Sydney shook her head, “but I…”

“SHHH!” Vaughn stood up straight and looked up and down the corridor, “There it is again!”

“What?” Sydney demanded.

“I told you a sort of…” Vaughn’s face went blank for a moment before he lifted his gun and started to shoot, “…THERE!”

Turning to face whatever Vaughn was shooting at, Sydney saw nothing. Puzzled she watched darts bury themselves in the wall at the end of the corridor, there was nothing there!

“Vaughn!” Sydney turned but found her partner gone, leaving her alone in the dark, creepy corridor. “Vaughn?” She said quietly, she was starting to feel very frightened just like the time she’d been left on her own in her house when she’d been a little girl, “Daddy?” Sydney whimpered as she curled up on the floor and started to sob.

Why had everyone left her alone in this spooky old house? Sydney asked herself, she was only five.

0=0=0=0

Running in terror from the hideous apparition that was chasing after him, Vaughn tried a door handle, it turned under his hand. Pushing open the door he found himself in an office. Slamming the door behind him he moved a filling cabinet against it. He’d be safe in here for awhile. Sydney had vanished and there was some sort of undead-zombie-thing chasing him.

“Dixon!?” Vaughn called into his radio mike, “Get in here and get us outta here, everything’s gone to shit, we’ve been compromised!”

0=0=0=0


	3. Chapter 3

3.

**Slayer Central.**

Driving towards the gate to the slayer compound, Vaughn’s last message still rang in Dixon’s ears. Things must have gone really bad, Vaughn had sounded on the edge of panic and Dixon had been unable to contact Sydney. Driving along the narrow approach road the van’s headlights illuminated the gate. The plan was for him to simply crash through the gate and drive on into the base were he’d pick up the rest of the team.

Pushing his foot down hard on the accelerator, Dixon braced for impact as the van hit the gates. The van hardly noticed any resistance as the gates burst open and the vehicle sped on towards the camp proper. It was then that Dixon saw it; his eyes opened wide, first in disbelief and then in terror. Something blacker than the night was on the road in front of him, something that looked like a tree but wasn’t a tree. Something big and black and ropey, just squatting there, waiting with its long ropey arms squirming and reaching.

Crying out in panic, Dixon slammed on the breaks, tires squealed as the van slid to a halt missing the tree-like thing by inches. Terrified into inaction, Dixon watched as the tree-thing’s tentacle-like branches reached for the van and enveloped it in loathsome embrace. The van groaned as the tree monster’s arms tightened their grip and started to crush it in its slimy grasp. Fumbling frantically for his weapon, Dixon cried out in alarm as the windscreen broke and the tips of the tentacles insinuated themselves into the cab and started to reach for him.

Somehow he managed to pull his pistol free from its holster, pointing it with a trembling hand at the thing, Dixon fired and kept firing until the slide of his weapon locked back on an empty magazine. By now the stinking, slime dripping tentacles had wrapped themselves around his body holding him in a vice like grip. Reduced to a whimpering, petrified blob of fear, Dixon’s mind retreated to the furthest corners of his brain and refused to come out until the tree-thing had gone away.

0=0=0=0

“OH!” Buffy gasped as the flashes of gunfire lit up the cab of the van; glass broke as bullets tore through the night air.

“Steady-on!” Giles called as he brought his car to a halt.

“You know,” Buffy announced as she unfastened her seat belt and started to climb from the car, “some people just shouldn’t be allowed to have guns.”

“Indeed,” Giles replied as he climbed out of his side of the car.

Together they approached the van cautiously; no further shots rang out to disturb the peace of the night.

“Whoever it is appears to have run out of bullets,” Giles called.

“You think?” Buffy called back as she made her way towards the cab, “I suppose there’s only one way to find out.”

Sneaking around to the front of van, Buffy peered in through the broken side window. Lying across the seats was a large, black man, his eyes wide with horror as he saw something that his mind couldn’t deal with. His body shook as his mouth formed soundless words.

“I wonder what he’s seeing?” Giles asked as he joined Buffy at the window.

“One thing’s for sure,” Buffy turned to face Giles, “whatever it is he can’t handle it.”

“Quite,” Giles agreed as he turned at the sound of an approaching car, “Ah! Here’s Willow, perhaps she knows.”

The car pulled to the side of the road and stopped, moments later the engine was switched off and Willow climbed out onto the road and walked over to join he friends.

“Hi guys,” Willow greeted Buffy and Giles with a smile, “what's goin’ on?”

“Break-in,” Buffy replied simply, “but I don’t think they got far.”

“Let me see,” Willow walked over to look in the cab of the van, “yep!” Willow gave a satisfied nod, “He won’t be going anywhere for a while.”

“Erm Willow,” Buffy joined her friend in observing the victim of Willow’s active counter measures, “don’t you think you ought to release him from whatever’s happening to him, it doesn’t look as if he’s enjoying it.”

“No,” Willow replied.

“No?” Buffy looked aghast at her friend, “You mean he’s stuck like that forever?”

“No,” Willow shook her head, “it means I have to get to reception so I can shut everything down, and hey you’ve changed your tune!”

“Sorry, what?” Buffy replied defensively.

“I seem to remember someone saying that if people didn’t want there heads filled with mind numbing terror they shouldn’t break in!”

“Yeah, I said that didn’t I,” Buffy admitted.

“Darn tootin’,” Willow agreed, “you’ll need to move him somewhere so we can keep an eye on him while I close everything down.”

Giles and Willow looked pointedly at Buffy.

“What?” Buffy demanded wanting to know why she was suddenly the centre of attention.

“Well, Buffy,” Giles said quietly, “you are the one with super-strength…”

“Oh!” Realisation dawned and Buffy pulled open the door to the cab.

Pulling Dixon from the van, Buffy carried him over to Giles’ car and placed him on the back seat.

“Right,” Buffy straightened up and closed the rear door, “we better get to reception.”

0=0=0=0

Bursting into reception with Dixon in her arms, Buffy glanced over to where Maddy crouched over her sister.

“OH MY GOD!” Buffy screamed as she dropped Dixon onto the floor and rushed over to the twins, “Is she alright?” Buffy frowned at the conscious girl, “It’s Gillian right?”

“No Miss,” Maddy suppressed a little sigh, “I’m Maddy and to answer your other question they shot her with knock-out darts.”

“Bastards,” Buffy snarled, “where are they?”

“There’s one curled up on the floor in the corridor,” Maddy pointed to the passageway that led towards Buffy’s office. “There was another one but he ran off, I don’t know where he went.”

“I think its safe to say he won’t be going anywhere,” Buffy pointed out before turning to shout across the lobby, “Willow, need you!”

“Hold on,” Willow was helping Giles move Dixon from where Buffy had dumped him; after laying him out of the way on the floor, Willow joined Buffy and Maddy around Gillian’s body. “Hi Maddy,” Willow knelt down by the unconscious girl, “what’s up?”

“Knock out darts or something,” Buffy explained.

After checking Gillian’s pulse and breathing, Willow sat back on her heels.

“There’s nothing wrong with her,” Willow pointed out, “she’ll just have to sleep it off and she’ll probably have a headache when she wakes up.”

“Okay,” Buffy jumped to her feet, “time to get organised; Maddy, leave your sister here and move that guy to the conference room and watch him.”

“But Miss,” Maddy started to complain, she wanted to stay with her sister.

“Don’t worry, Willow will look after her,” Buffy turned to Willow, “Will, you stay here, keep an eye on…on…”

“Gillian,” Willow prompted.

“…on Gillian and shut off everything, okay?”

“Okay,” Willow nodded her head as she placed Gillian into the recover position so she wouldn’t swallow her tongue or drown in her own vomit.

“Giles!” Buffy called across the room.

“Hmm? Yes?” Giles had become distracted as he’d searched Dixon’s pockets for some clue as to who he was.

“Leave him, and come with me,” Buffy started to head for the corridor.

0=0=0=0

Stepping around the sobbing woman curled up on the floor, Buffy felt a pang of sympathy, crouching down next to the woman she placed her hand on the woman’s shoulder.

“Wonder what’s wrong with her?” Buffy asked.

“Whatever it is she won’t need this,” Giles picked up the odd looking pistol from the floor next to the woman, he examined it for a moment. “I’m no expert but I’d say this is the weapon she used to render young Gillian unconscious.”

Immediately, Buffy lost all feelings of sympathy for the woman that she might have had. How dare this bitch come into _her_ camp and shoot _her_ slayers with knock out darts? Just as these thoughts were going through her mind, Buffy noticed that the woman wasn’t crying anymore, in fact she seemed to be recovering rapidly.

“W-what’s…?” Sydney looked up at the unsmiling man and woman who stood over her, she noticed that the man held her tranq-gun.

“Yeah!” Buffy reached down and pulled the woman to her feet, “That’s what I’d like to know; what the hell are you doing breaking into _my_ school!?”

“I…” Sydney realised that until she had more of an idea of what had happened she’d better keep her mouth shut.

“Giles?” Buffy glanced at her friend, “Put her with the other one and give Maddy the gun okay?”

“Of course,” Giles gestured with the gun, “come on you and no tricks unless you want to be darted or whatever you call it.”

Not wanting to be knocked unconscious, Sydney raised her hands and let herself be pushed on down the corridor. It seemed to her that things had gone completely and badly wrong; these people were tougher than they’d expected. However, once she’d collected her thoughts and whatever they’d done to her had worn off, Sydney was quite confident that she’d be able to escape, after all she’d been in worse situations.

0=0=0=0

Blinking his eyes as if waking from a long sleep, Vaughn found himself crouching in the corner of the office he’d taken refuge in. He also found himself free of the feelings of terror he’d felt. The nameless terror that had chased him into the room also appeared to be gone; it was like waking from a particularly frightening nightmare. Getting slowly to his feet, Vaughn made his way across the room to the door, after a moment’s hesitation he switched on the light. Blinking once more, this time as the harsh neon tubes flickered into life, Vaughn looked around the office.

It was a typical office that you’d expect the CEO of a medium-sized company to use. Walking towards the desk that dominated one side of the room, Vaughn noted the carvings of strange creatures that decorated most of the furniture. Who-so-ever's office this was had a strange taste in decoration. But that wasn’t important right now, there lying on the floor were several crates containing lengths of lead pipe and what looked like bronze or brass valves. Walking over to the crates he noticed the box containing half a dozen strangely shaped crystals; this, he told himself, must be the Rambaldi Artefact. It was also far too big to move by himself, he’d need help.

“Sydney, Dixon,” Vaughn whispered into his radio, “do you copy?”

Only static answered his call; obviously Sydney and Dixon had been compromised. Much as he wanted to go and find Sydney, Vaughn told himself that he needed to do something about the Artefact. Checking the pockets of his equipment vest, he came up with nothing useful. Normally he’d be carrying at least a couple of blocks of C-4, and radio controlled detonators, but this wasn’t supposed to be that sort of mission. Looking around the office for anything that might help; explosives, gasoline, something like that he saw nothing. However, this was an office so there should be plenty of paper and the furniture was mostly wooden, an agent of his experience should be able to start a fire. Pulling the drawers of a filling cabinet open, Vaughn started to scatter the files onto the floor, if his people couldn’t have the Rambaldi Artefact, no one else was going to take it.

0=0=0=0

“Are you alright?” Sydney asked Dixon as the man rubbed the back of his head.

“What the hells going on?” Dixon demanded in a loud whisper; the girl who was guarding them didn’t appear to be paying them very much attention.

“I’m not sure,” Sydney explained, “but I think they used some sort of hallucinogenic gas on us, made us see and think all kinds of weird crap.”

“You’re telling me,” Dixon still had visions of the tree-monster reaching for him, glancing around he noted Vaughn’s absence.

“Yeah,” Sydney nodded her head slightly as she whispered, “Vaughn’s still free, we’ve got to get out of here, follow my lead.”

Looking over at the girl, Sydney stared for a second in shock, surely… No it couldn’t be the same girl that she’d shot, she’d put three darts into her and there was no way that the girl could be up and alert so soon. So, how come this girl looked exactly the same as the girl she’d shot, she was even wearing the same clothes, almost as if they were twins. Sydney stifled her laugh at her own foolishness, of course the answer was simple! It was obvious that this Summers woman and her associates were meddling with cloning to produce girls who all looked exactly the same! Why Buffy Summers, who looked like a complete California air-head, was doing this she didn’t know; or was she just a front for the real brains? Finding out what Summers was doing would have to wait, they needed to get out of here right now.

Turning away from the girl, Sydney saw that her and Dixon’s equipment had been left in a big pile on what looked like a conference table. Next to the pile of gear lay her tranq-gun. Sydney’s heart started to race a little at her good fortune, she’d only fired three darts which meant there were still seven in the magazine. A plan formed quickly in her mind; the girl wasn’t paying very much attention to her prisoners, in fact she’d turned her back on them, it was almost as if she wanted them to try and escape. All Sydney had to do was cross about two yards of carpet, snatch up the gun, dart the girl and they could get out of here.

It wasn’t a brilliant plan, but it was often best to do something _now_ rather than wait until you’d perfected your plan by which time it was nearly always too late. Attracting Dixon’s attention, Sydney nodded towards the girl as she slipped from the chair she’d been sitting in. Quietly, her movements muffled by the deep-pile carpet on the floor, Sydney reached for her gun. Suppressing the sigh of relief that almost escaped her lips, Sydney’s hand closed around the cold, comforting weight of the tranq-gun.

“Hello bitch!”

Before Sydney had been able to draw a bead on the girl, the teenager was moving with frightening speed across the room, Sydney shot anyway. The dart missed the girl by a fraction of an inch and buried itself in the wall. Suddenly, Sydney found herself eyeball to eyeball with the cute, blonde, girl. Struggling for possession of the gun, Sydney found it pulled effortlessly from her hand. Cold realisation struck Sydney a fraction of a second before the girl’s fist hit her jaw. However, it was long enough for her to realise what Summers’ had been doing at the camp; she’d been cloning super-soldiers disguised as cute teenage girls!

Flying through the air, Sydney hit the wall and fell to the floor. Rubbing her jaw and amazed to find it wasn’t broken she saw Dixon struggle with the girl just before he too flew through the air to land in a pile under the painting of a woman who looked a lot like Buffy Summers might if she was older. Pushing herself to her feet, Sydney advanced on the girl, she was ready for her now, she knew what to expect. Launching a devastating series of kicks and punches, Sydney found all her attacks parried, in fact the girl was smiling almost laughing at her.

“You shot my sister,” the girl informed Sydney just before she kicked her in the stomach and sent her sprawling across the room to land next to Dixon.

“HEY!” The door burst open to admit a slim red haired woman who Sydney hadn’t seen before, “What’s all the noise in here!?”

“Sorry Miss,” Maddy apologised meekly, “but the prisoners tried to escape.”

“You mean you turned your back on them in the hopes they’d try and escape,” Willow frowned at Maddy.

“Sorry Miss,” Maddy fidgeted uncomfortably under Willow’s gaze.

Sydney didn’t understand what was going on here, the woman referred to as ‘Miss’ had some hold over the girl. Whoever this woman was she didn’t look too formidable, Sydney launched herself at Willow in an attempt to get out of the door.

“OH!” Willow cried out in surprise.

You couldn’t live with a slayer, as Willow had, for three years without picking up the rudiments of self defence. Reacting with commendable speed, Willow lashed out and kicked her attacker on the shin.

“OW!” Sydney found herself hopping across the room nursing her throbbing shin and unable to defend herself when the teenager knocked her to the floor. 

“Right then!” Willow ran a hand through her hair before straightening her dress, “You two,” she pointed at Sydney and Dixon, “you sit down and stop trying to escape. Maddy…”

“Yes Miss,” Maddy looked hopefully at Willow.

“Your sister’s fine, I just came to say she’s woken up,” Willow gave everyone in the room a hard stare, “now, Maddy you guard these people properly and I want no more fuss and noise, okay?”

“Yes Miss,” Maddy said thankful that she was only getting a sharp look off the witch; Sydney and Dixon said nothing.

“Well?” Willow turned the full power of the resolve face on Sydney and Dixon.

“Okay,” Sydney said after a moment’s hesitation, there was more going on here than Rambaldi Artefacts.

With the air of a school teacher who’d just calmed an entire class of hyper-active seven-year-olds, Willow swept from the room.

0=0=0=0

“The door’s locked or barricaded,” Buffy whispered to Giles as they stood outside her office, “and I have the strongest feeling that if I break down the door someone is going to try and shoot me.”

“So what are you going to do?” Giles wanted to know.

“This!” Buffy launched herself at the wall next to the door.

0=0=0=0


	4. Chapter 4

4.

**CIA, Los Angeles Field Office.**

“Mr Bristow! Jack!” Marshall called as he stumbled into Jack Bristow’s office; he was stopped dead in his tracks by Jack’s unemotional stare, Marshall took a moment to collect himself, this was no time to panic.

“What can I do for you, Marshall?” Jack went back to signing the documents on the desk in front of him.

“We’ve lost all comms with Sydney, Vaughn and Dixon!” Marshall informed his boss breathlessly.

“When did this happen?” Jack looked up his document his signing momentarily forgotten.

“About five minutes ago,” Marshall explained warily.

“Why wasn’t I informed?” Jack got up from behind his desk.

“I’m informing you now aren’t I?” Marshall shrank back from Jack’s steady advance, “I also needed to make sure it wasn’t a glitch.”

“And it isn’t?”

“Not at our end.”

“Do we still have satellite coverage?” Jack wanted to know as he led the way to the briefing room.

“Yeah,” once in the briefing room, Marshal used a remote control to bring up a satellite image of Slayer Central.

Looking at the screen, Jack saw a group of heat sources, denoting human beings, clustered together in a building that he knew contained the Slayer Organisation’s headquarters. Questions flashed through his mind, chief amongst them was; what the hell had gone wrong? This secret base appeared to be staffed almost entirely by young woman, some of them mere teenagers. How could his best team of operatives be captured by teenagers?

“Thank-you Marshall,” Jack said slowly as plans formed in his mind, “we need to work up an extraction plan, what assets do we have in the area?”

0=0=0=0

**Slayer Central.**

“Who are these people?” Buffy wanted to know as she brushed pieces of plaster board off her clothes; crashing through her office wall had been spectacular, but the amount of dust in her hair made it look as if she had terminal dandruff.

“Don’t know for sure,” Willow knocked a small piece of plaster board off Buffy’s shoulder, “other than they’re Americans.”

“Are they secure?” Buffy, satisfied that she’d got the worst of the plaster off looked at herself in a nearby mirror.

“All safe and sound in the conference room,” Willow informed her, “Gillian and Maddy are keeping an eye on them, they won’t be making any more escape attempts.”

“You put the whammy on them?” Buffy turned to smile at her best friend.

“Like sure,” Willow rolled her eyes, “I totally magiced them into their chairs.”

“Are you okay, Will?” Buffy was almost sure she could detect a note of sarcasm in her friend’s voice.

“Look, why does everyone think I can only do stuff by using magic?” Willow complained.

“Maybe,” Buffy suggested slowly, “it’s something to do with you totally being the mega-witch, Will?”

“How many times do I have to tell you,” Willow sulked, “enough with the magic! Sometimes I think Kennedy’s the only one to understand.”

That hurt, thought Buffy, Kennedy being to only one to understand Willow? Never, not in a million years!

“Okay, Will,” Buffy said in a placatory tone, “you’re great at doing the non-magicy stuff and its great that you’re not over doing the magics and going all black haired and destroy the worldy…so what did you do?”

“I had the girls tie them to their chairs with cable ties,” Willow explained.

“Cool,” Buffy congratulated her friend, “and so much more responsible than using magic…okay, lets go talk to our guests.”

0=0=0=0

“Okay,” Buffy stood in front of the three prisoners, “I hope you’re comfortable because we could be here all night, it all depends on you and whether you answer my questions…”

“We’ll tell you nothing,” Sydney informed Buffy defiantly.

“All night?” Giles complained from the back of the room.

“Okay,” Buffy considered this piece of information, “tell me if I’ve guessed wrong,” she gestured to all the hi-tech gear the three intruders had been carrying, “I’m guessing you work for some government organisation and I’m guessing that you’re Americans and I’m also guessing that you didn’t tell the British authorities what you were doing.”

Buffy noted the worried looks on the three intruder’s faces.

“Tell me why I shouldn’t just call the police and have you all put in jail?” Buffy asked reasonably but got little reaction form the American spies, “No?” Buffy shrugged and then turned to Giles, “Giles? Could you call that nice Inspector at Cleveland Police for me, then get on to your contacts at MI5?”

“NO!” Sydney Bristow thought she needed to say something, “I don’t know who you think you’ve got in your pocket, Ms Summers but you’re in a lot of trouble.”

“Trouble?” Buffy quieried, “I’m in trouble and I have people in my pocket?” She made a show of looking in the pockets of her jeans, “No,” she shook her head, “no one in there. Look let me make this plain for you. The local police wrongly arrested me and they’re feeling really sorry about it so they’re being very helpful just now. We have contacts with MI5 because the British security services have a real hands-off approach to the supernatural, they prefer to leave it to the professionals.” Buffy paused for a breath, “Add this to the fact that you broke into a girls school armed with guns that fire tranquilliser darts, what do you think people are going to think?”

Sydney had to admit that things looked bad, she also wondered why this Ms Summers woman was going on about the ‘supernatural’. If these people could call on the local police and MI5 for help they must have infiltrated the British security services right to the very top.

“Look Ms Summers, if that really is your name…” Sydney began but was cut off by Buffy.

“Of course its my name!” Buffy rolled her eyes, “I’ve been using it all my life!”

“Look,” this time it was Vaughn who spoke, “you’re in big trouble, why don’t you just let us go and we’ll say no more about it,” it was worth a try thought Vaughn, who knows they might get lucky.

“Let you go!” Buffy gasped with disbelief, “You come in to my school, dart one of my girls and you think I should let you go!? No way, looks like we’re gonna have to use stronger methods to get information,” she turned to Willow and gestured at the intruders, “Willow…”

“Why me?” Willow complained knowing exactly what Buffy wanted her to do, “Why’s it always me who has to do the interrogating?”

“Because you’re the mega-witch,” Buffy replied under her breath, “and you’re good at it.”

“But…” Willow looked at Buffy and realised that her friend had a pretty effective ‘resolve face’ too. “Oh okay,” Willow sighed as she produced a pair of small tweezers, “I’d hoped we wouldn’t have to go this far…”

0=0=0=0

~Ten minutes later.~

“Willow,” Buffy called slowly, “I think we’re going to have to do more than just pull their nose hairs out.”

“Well,” Willow replied defensively, “have you ever had your nose hairs pulled out one by one? It really hurts and it makes your eyes water.”

“I know, Will,” Buffy sighed, “but we haven’t got all night…”

“Too bloody right,” Giles agreed, “I was hoping to get some sleep before breakfast.”

“Oh, alright,” Willow replied miserably.

Producing a small wooden box out of thin air, Willow opened it up and using the tweezers removed what looked like a small, frozen, drop of mercury.

“Now this isn’t gonna hurt,” Willow told Sydney as she advanced on her, “but it will make you really talkative.”

Sydney tried to move her head so Willow couldn’t put the mercury in her ear, Gillian walked over and held Sydney’s head still, none too gently (she really didn’t appreciate being shot with knock-out darts). As soon as the mercury-like blob touched Sydney’s skin it came alive and crawled into her ear.

~Twenty minutes later.~

“Wow,” Willow gasped, “CIA.”

“Yeah,” Buffy nodded her head, “at least they’re not the Initiative.”

“Or the IRS,” Willow pointed out.

“Ah, there you are,” Giles walked into the reception lobby where Buffy and Willow where discussing what they’d just found out, “I’ve just got off the phone with Sir Harry at MI5…”

“Oh how is he?” Willow smiled up at Giles, “And Mrs Sir Harry and all the little Sir Harry’s?”

“Fine, fine,” Giles frowned at Willow as he tried to remember what he was going to say, “erm, yes…right, to say he was annoyed would be a bit of an understatement,” Giles pointed out, “livid would be closer to how he’s feeling right now. The CIA had no permission to run an operation on British soil, this could cause a major diplomatic incident.”

“Oh!” Willow’s eyes went wide with surprise, this sounded bad.

“We don’t want that, Giles,” Buffy pointed out.

“As I said to Sir Harry,” the director of MI5 had gone to the same public school as Giles only he’d been a couple of years ahead of Giles and had gone into the other ‘spooks’ business. “He’s agreed to leave it to us for now as a falling out between MI5 and the CIA could cause more trouble than its worth.”

“Okay,” Buffy looked at her two most trusted friends, “what are we going to do?”

There was a long pause as everyone thought the problem through, eventually Willow timidly raised her hand.

“I’ve got, like an idea,” she said quietly, “if it works it’ll be like this had never happened…”

“You’re not going to…” Giles began.

“What, wipe their brains?” Willow laughed, “I’ve learnt my lesson there, anyway this is so much better.”

“Okay then Will,” Buffy turned to her friend, “what y’got planned?”

“Well…” Willow began.

0=0=0=0

After telling Willow to get on with her plan, Buffy left Giles to supervise Maddy, Gillian and the prisoners while she sat and had a think about what they’d found out. It appeared that there were more evil criminal organisations in the world than you could shake a stick at. The three agents that they, at present, had tied to chairs in their conference room were part of a CIA section dedicated to fighting these groups. Plus this Rambaldi fellow seemed to be mixed up in everything somehow, Buffy had got a little confused at this point in the agent’s ‘confession’. However, Giles had assured her that the CIA agents were, in his words, talking out of their arses and there was nothing odd or strange about these so-called Rambaldi Artefacts that kept popping up.

The agents had been sent here to steal her bathroom, Buffy looked at the crates in the corner of her office. Sighing she thought it was just as well they’d got the builders in anyway, they could repair the Buffy shaped hole in the wall where she’d burst into her office to capture the third spy. Wondering why they hadn’t just offered to buy the bathroom off her, Buffy frowned; she’d probably have let it go for a few hundred pounds. Okay, it was nice, but she wasn’t that fixated about it, really she only wanted it because it was quirky and different. If they’d offered her another quirky bathroom she’d have swapped, no problem!

But no, they had to do things the hard way and now Buffy wouldn’t give up her bathroom for the world! No-way, no-how, they could offer her thousands of pounds or even dollars, she’d never give it up, not now. Of course if Willow’s plan worked and Buffy didn’t see how it wouldn’t. As she was forever pointing out, Willow was a mega-witch now; okay she still had some issues with magic addiction, but that was like; Buffy, smoking and alcohol, three un-mixy things. But they could deal, after all she'd given up smoking and the booze and that was way harder than Willow’s thing about magic.

“Okay,” Buffy said quietly to herself, “lets get this show on the road.”

0=0=0=0

Walking back into the conference room, Buffy stood in front of the three prisoners and noted the confused looks on their faces. They’d not come to terms with what had been done to them. The little memory bug that Willow had used on them made them very talkative and truthful, they just couldn’t help themselves. They’d used it first on Agent Bristow and then in turn on the two male agents, Vaughn and Dixon, just to confirm what Bristow had said. To be honest most of what the agents had told them was fairly unbelievable, but then, Buffy imagined how her story would sound to anyone not in the know.

“Okay guys,” Buffy smiled over at Maddy and Gillian who were still watching the prisoners, “you might as well go to bed now.”

“But we’re duty slayers, Miss,” Maddy or possibly Gillian pointed out; Buffy found it impossible to tell the two girls apart, Willow managed it somehow.

“Whatever,” Buffy shrugged, “don’t worry about it I’ll deal with anything that might turn up.”

“If you’re sure, Miss?” Gillian or Maddy asked, “We can stay it’d be no bother…”

“Bed,” Buffy ordered nodding towards the door.

“Okay Miss,” both girls replied, “goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Buffy looked at the clock over the portrait of her mother and added to herself, “what there's left of it.” Turning to look at the prisoners, Buffy shook her head in sorrow. “What am I going to do with you guys,” Buffy knew perfectly well what she was going to do with the CIA agents but she wasn’t going to tell them that. “Y’know the British are really pissed at you?”

“You’ll never get away with it!” Vaughn cried bravely.

“Get away with what? I’ve not done anything!” Buffy gave them an innocent look and saw no reason why she shouldn’t have a little fun with these, as Giles put it, ‘pratts’. “Now, I was going to have you thrown into the crocodile pit, but I was persuaded not to.” Looking at the agents faces, Buffy realised that they really believed that she had a pit full of crocodiles somewhere; she decided not to tell them about the swimming pool full of sharks. “And as the laser for cutting enemy agents in half is out of order just now,” Buffy smirked, “I’ve decided to let you go.”

“Let us go?” This was from Agent Dixon, “What do you mean, let us go?”

“I mean, let you go,” Buffy shrugged, “I’m sick of the sight of you, you’ve told me more than I ever wanted to know about spies and such, so you’re out of here!”

“You’re going to blackmail us into working for you because you forced us to betray the CIA, aren’t you?” Sydney asked suspiciously.

“No,” Buffy replied and shrugged her shoulders, “there’s really nothing you can tell me, you’re not that important in the great scheme of things.” For a moment Buffy enjoyed the looks of confusion on the agent’s faces, it looked like the ‘bad guys’ had never told them they weren’t that important and weren’t even worth keeping prisoner. “But, to show you that there’s no hard feelings I’ve arranged for some refreshments, I mean all this spying and breaking in, you must have worked up an appetite.” Just at that very moment Willow pushed open the door and pushed in a trolley loaded down with soup and rolls…chicken soup!

* _The soup with the parsley is the soup with the poison,_ * Willow told Buffy telepathically. * _Or is it the soup without the parsley is the soup with the poison? Or…whatever!_ *

“Right!” Buffy smiled as Willow put everything on the table, “Let’s get you out of those chairs…”

~Ten minutes later~

Having finished her own bowls of soup, Buffy glanced at the three agents slumped over theirs.

“Hey that was very good Will,” Buffy dabbed at her lips with a paper serviette.

“I do my best,” Willow smiled as she joined Buffy in watching the three CIA agents snoring like buzz-saws on the other side of the table.

As Willow had explained to Buffy, she’d had some problems with her soups recently. When she’d been a young, novice witch, Willow had complained that most of her potions had turned into soup. Now she was a really powerful witch, most of her soup turned into potion. It’d got so bad that Kennedy and herself had had to go back to using tinned or packet soups instead of homemade and it just wasn’t as good. What they’d fed the agents was chicken soup, but it wasn’t just any old chicken soup, it was Willow Rosenberg’s special forgetting, with added knock-out potion, chicken soup. The soup Buffy and herself had eaten had come out of a can.

“How long will they stay asleep?” Buffy asked as she got up and checked the agent’s pulses.

“A good twelve hours,” Willow explained as she cautiously collected up the plates, any left over magic soup would have to be disposed of carefully. “More than enough time to do what we want to do.”

“Good…” Buffy looked up at the sound of the door opening.

“Everything alright?” Giles asked as he stuck his head around the door.

“Perfect,” Willow grinned.

“Right I’ve booked a room in a motel down on the motorway,” Giles explained, “and I’ve brought their van up to the front door,” Giles looked at Willow, “you’re sure this will work.”

“Look Giles, stop worrying,” Willow smiled indulgently, “this isn’t even real magic, they’ll sleep like babies. When they wake up they’ll have a hangover and they won’t remember a thing starting from about six hours ago.”

“Ever?” Giles wanted to know.

“Oh it might wear off in twenty or so years,” Willow pointed out, “or if they do that hypno-regression therapy stuff, but why should they?”

“Yeah,” Buffy agreed, “the way we’ll set things up it’ll look like they had a party, got drunk and passed out.”

“If you’re sure,” Giles still wasn’t a hundred percent convinced, but the two women nodded their heads in unison, “right then we better get them in the van and don’t forget all their stuff.”

Once again Buffy found herself the centre of attention.

“Okay,” she sighed as she heaved Dixon onto her shoulder, “but you guys have to carry the woman.”

0=0=0=0

It was early morning and the sun was just poking its face over the horizon, Buffy and Willow were standing watching the dawn as they sipped their tea.

“Where’s Kennedy?” Buffy asked, “We could have done with her last night, if only for all the lifting and carrying.”

“Oh,” Willow glanced at Buffy out of the corner of her eye, “she had to do something for her father.”

“Oh!” 

Buffy decided not to ask anything more; when Kennedy did stuff for her father, she didn’t want to know. That way, when the police came around asking questions she could tell them with hand on heart that she had no idea what Kennedy Scarpone did in her spare time; what you don’t know you can’t tell. But sometimes she felt more than a little worried for Willow, however nothing was going to happen and until it did she wasn’t going to lose sleep over it.

“Hey, Will,” Buffy decided to change the subject, “ever heard of anyone-anything called Teotwawki?”

“Tea-up-wanky?” Asked Willow with a frown.

0=0=0=0


	5. Chapter 5

5.

**CIA, Los Angeles Field Office.**

The three agents stood in a row like naughty school children in front of the principal’s desk. When the extraction team had arrived after tracking them to a motel on the A1(M) motorway in northern England. They’d broken into the room to find the agents asleep and apparently drunk. The evidence appeared to suggest that far from going and breaking into the secret base of the Slayer Organisation, they’d raided the local liquor store and gone back to the motel to party.

“…and you don’t remember anything of what happened?” Jack Bristow demanded.

“No Sir,” Vaughn spoke having been voted in as spokesman for the three, “can’t remember a thing for almost a twenty-four hour period.”

“Well, luckily for you, we have the recordings and can prove that you did actually entered the slayer base,” Jack pointed out, “and that you were driven to the motel later.”

“Come on dad,” Sydney spoke up, “do you really believe that we’d have got drunk instead of completing the mission?”

“What I believe and what I know are two very different things,” Jack snapped silencing his daughter, “in the mean time,” Jack sighed deeply, “you’re all on sick leave until we can discover what these slayer people did to you…now go home.”

Sitting down, Jack watched his agents file from the room as he massaged his temples, he could feel a headache coming on. The British had not been pleased about him running an un-sanctioned mission on British soil. Jack also thought he’d caught a note of ‘I told you so’ in Sir Harry’s voice while he’d explained the diplomatic niceties of spying to him. Whatever else he’d learnt, Jack now realised that these Slayers were not to be trifled with, he’d also discovered that they were a world wide organisation almost entirely made up of women. They would need close watching and investigation.

Looking up at the sound of a knock on his door, Jack saw a very tall, young, fit man standing in his doorway. The man was wearing a suit but gave the impression that he didn’t normally wear suits.

“Director Bristow?” Asked the young man.

“Yes,” Jack looked at the man as he walked across his office and sat down in one of his visitor’s chairs, “who are you and what are you doing here?”

“Who am I?” The young man’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, “I’m Captain Riley Finn, US Army Rangers; as to why I’m here, I’ve come to talk to you about the Slayer Organisation…”

0=0=0=0

**Slayer Central, a few weeks later.**

“Death awaits you!” Buffy cried dramatically, “You have signed an oath of obedience to your dark master and with hell you are in agreement!”

“What did he say to that?” Giles asked as he sipped his afternoon tea.

“Oh,” Buffy sighed sadly, “he said he didn’t care and I still couldn’t park on a double yellow line…”

“Bloody Traffic Wardens,” Giles muttered sympathetically.

“Yeah,” Buffy put down her own tea-cup, “I had to park down by the Townhall and walk all the way back…in the rain.”

“Poor Buffy,” Giles hid his smile behind his tea cup before checking the time, “look its five-thirty already, you better start getting changed.”

They were going to a formal charity function tonight, although they weren’t expected before seven-thirty, Giles knew from past experience it would take Buffy a good two hours to get ready.

“Oh god yes, I’ve gotta go!” Buffy looked up at the clock on the wall of Giles’ office, but then relaxed again. “No,” Buffy smiled, “I don’t have to go anywhere.”

”Why’s that?” Giles asked as he put down his cup.

“Ah-well,” Buffy gave her watcher a smug look, “Mr Bob has finished my new bathroom. I can shower and change in my office again, I brought the dress I’m going to wear in with me this morning.”

“Oh jolly good,” Giles lifted the teapot, “time for another?”

“I think I have time for another cup of tea with my favourite watcher,” Buffy smiled.

“I’ll be mother then,” Giles started to pour.

0=0=0=0

After arranging bottles of shampoo and conditioner on a handy shelf, Buffy paused to admire her bathroom once more. ‘Bob the Builder’ had really done an excellent job. Gone were the cold clinical tiles and polished chrome. They’d all been replaced by friendly patterned tiles and warm woodwork. The ‘apparatus’ as Buffy had taken to calling the actual shower/bath arrangement that took up about half the available space in the room, stood in all its polish brass and bronze glory before her. Frowning slightly, Buffy considered, it was going to be a bugger to keep clean, but hey that’s what cleaners were for. Having reassured herself that she wouldn’t be the one to have to clean the ‘apparatus’ Buffy stepped over to the sink next to her super shower unit. Regarding herself in the mirror above the basin. Buffy smiled at what she saw; she might be well into her twenties now and still spending her nights and a fair proportion of her days battling evil, but she was still so hot! Smiling at her reflection, she placed a shower cap on her head and tucked her hair safely underneath it. Slipping out of her bath robe she hung it up on the hook behind the door before stepping into the apparatus itself.

“Right,” Buffy breathed as she studied all the dials, levers and valves; each control had a label next to it carefully translated by the mysterious Ernie. “Okay,” Buffy placed her hand on a control, “‘Mist’, lets see what this does.”

Turning the valve, Buffy found herself enveloped in a fine mist of water, by adjusting a lever she got it to a comfortable temperature.

“Nice,” Buffy’s eyes roamed to another control, “Right what’s ‘Rain’?”

Turning off the mist she turned on the ‘Rain’. Water poured from a number of shower heads above her, she found that by adjusting another lever she could fine tune the rain. Anything from a light drizzle to a downpour of tropical storm proportions; turning off the water, Buffy stood there dripping and gasping for breath.

“Right,” she told herself breathlessly, “don’t go any higher than ‘heavy rain’. Now, what’s ‘Massage’?”

Cautiously Buffy turned a tap and jets of water shot out from nozzles all around her, again a lever controlled the power of the jets. Standing in the middle of the shower, Buffy felt the water jets caress her body like the strong fingers of a masseuse. Sighing with pleasure, she closed her eyes; this was just so good, just the thing after a hard day spent training the new slayers. However time was marching on and there were several more controls left to try. Reluctantly, Buffy switched off the jets and moved on to the next control.

“‘Surprise!’” Buffy read the sign; frowning a little in trepidation she twisted a valve, at first nothing appeared to be happening, thinking that the control must be broken, she was just about to try something else when jets of water shot up from the floor.

“AAAGH!” Buffy cried out in shock as she fumbled to turn off the jets; once again finding herself gasping for breath, she decided that that was another control that needed to be used carefully.

“Okay,” Buffy panted slightly, “that was invigorating…now what’s this?”

The sign hanging from the lever clearly said ‘Don’t Touch’ in big red letters. It was obvious from the lettering that if you did ‘touch’ you’d be in big trouble. But, thought Buffy, what could possibly be so bad? She was in a bathroom, what could possibly go wrong here? Taking hold of the lever, Buffy pulled, at first it wouldn’t budge but by exerting a little slayer strength the lever started to move, all be it reluctantly.

Standing, dripping in the shower, Buffy waited for jets of water to shoot out from unexpected angles, nothing happened. Thinking that this was just another dud, Buffy reached to push the lever back to it original position when she felt a cool breeze on her back. Turning slowly she found herself facing a large hole in her bathroom wall. A large hole that appeared to lead out onto some sort of desert; she could see sand and rocks and in the distance weirdly shaped mountains. What was really strange was the way the sky swirled with bright colours.

“Well that’s something you don’t see everyday,” Buffy told herself as she cautiously approached the hole so she could get a better look.

However, not being dressed to go exploring inter-dimensional portals in her bathroom, Buffy retreated and returned the lever to its original position. Fortunately the hole grew smaller until it vanished completely. This would need careful investigation and hadn’t Willow said something about magic crystals? That must be it, Buffy decided, get Willow to remove the crystals and then she’d be able to shower without worrying about being sucked into different dimensions. In the mean time she needed to finish her shower, get dressed and go to this charity dinner.

0=0=0=0

**A Couple of Days Later.**

Feeling more than a little uncomfortable and dressed only in a shower cap, Willow stood next to Buffy in her new shower.

“Tell me again why we both have to be naked?” Willow asked worriedly; although she’d never thought of Buffy ‘that way’ it didn’t alter the fact that Buffy was a very attractive young woman who might very well have turned gay again. “Erm, Buff, y-you’ve not gone…” Willow hesitated as she tried to get the words out, “…y’know…?”

“What gay again?” Buffy laughed lightly as she started to set the controls, “Don’t worry Will,” Buffy gave her friend a reassuring smile, “straight as a…” Buffy tried to think of something that was very straight but came up empty, “...a very straight thing.” 

After fiddling with the controls for a moment longer Buffy turned to face Willow who closed her eyes for a moment.

“Buffy, please!” Willow gasped, “You’re…you know? So-so…”

“Hot?” 

“Yeah that’s about it,” Willow kept her eyes tightly closed, “could you kinda back off a little?”

“Sorry Will,” Buffy looked around, “but there’s really not much room in here.”

“Okay,” Willow opened one eye, “maybe we could do this quick?”

“Oh is that all I am to you,” Buffy sulked, “a quickie in the shower?”

“BUFFY!” Willow shrieked and nearly jumped out of the shower.

“Sorry, Will,” Buffy apologised, “I couldn’t resist. No, the reason we had to get naked,” That could have been better put, Buffy thought, “Was you don’t want to get your clothes all wet.”

”Huh?”

“Look, the only way I’ve found of opening this portal is to go through the same sequence as I did the first time I found it,” Buffy explained as she started to open valves and pull levers.

And so it began; first there was the mist, then the rain followed by the massage. They both screamed at the ‘surprise’ and then finally they turned to look at the inter-dimensional portal.

“That is weird,” Willow gazed through the portal at another world forgetting for a moment that she was standing next to the wet, desirable body of her best friend.

“What do you think?” Buffy asked.

“Well its nowhere I recognised,” Willow looked up at the sky with its swirling colours, “I’ll have to do some research…”

“No I mean, can you fix it?” Buffy wanted to know, she didn’t want to lose her new toy.

“I’m not sure there’s anything that needs fixing,” Willow explained, “I mean as long as you don’t follow that exact sequence and pull the lever that says ‘Do Not Touch’ you should be fine.” Willow considered her statement for a moment, “You might want to bring a sword or axe into the shower with you just in case.”

“Now I have to go armed into the shower?” Buffy stepped out of the shower and passed Willow a towel and wrapped one around herself.

“Only as a precaution,” Willow pointed out.

“Will,” Buffy whined a little, “come on, can’t you take those crystal things out? I really don’t want all my weapons going rusty.”

“Okay,” Willow felt much more comfortable now they were both decently covered up, “like I say I’ll do some research..”

“Hey,” Buffy looked into her friends eyes as a thought came to her, “you don’t think that’s where this Tea-up-wanky guy lives, do you?”

“Nah,” Willow shook her head as she took off her shower cap, “some one with a name like that’s bound to live in a big palace some place, not in a desert.”

The portal closed and the two young women got dry and dressed again. Had they stepped through the portal and turned around to see what was behind it; they’d have seen the turrets and spires of a large, fantastic palace.

THE END?


End file.
